i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
