just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
