at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
