FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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