That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
