dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
