My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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