Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
True strength comes from lack of pants
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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