Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
