my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
