i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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