she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
