and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
