So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
