omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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