We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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