you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
