so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
