I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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