I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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