there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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