What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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