Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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