He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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