so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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