You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
