You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
