I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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