Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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