I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
