now i know why i became what i already was.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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