He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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