Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
