About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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