Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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