I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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