so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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