dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
