so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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