I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
