my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
