I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
