mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My pussy is not your playground.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
