I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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