omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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