Yo dont text me then not text me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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