White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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