He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
