My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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