You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
A bitchslap is in order.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
