I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
