we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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