so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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