so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
