apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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