I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
it hurts more in the daytime
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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