The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Sober January is a disaster.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
